Wednesday, May 26, 2010
This morning the Holy Spirit put it on my heart that I can hold onto Christ Jesus, or I can hold onto fear – I need to make this choice and remember to keep making that choice. The Holy Spirit further put it on my heart that there is not room under the shower of God’s grace for both me and my fear. I need to leave the fear behind. The thought of dropping the fear is fearful. The thought that I could exist without the fear brings hope of a fuller joy. This is the important point. It seems it has taken this level of procrastination (fear of facing the fear) to let this revelation into my heart and mind.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
The Start - a Confession and Testimony
The bible says that we are to confess to others in the body of Christ, this is my confession. It is my confession of the crime I committed against God and against Man; and it is my testimony of the amazing grace shown to me by God and mercy from the courts and in jail. As we read in James 5:16; “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. “
I am also here to testify to the power of prayer. Part of the ministry of Ministry Evangelism to Corrections is intercession. Inmates submit prayer requests, which are compiled and sent to a large group of intercessors committed to pray for these requests and the jails, inmates, staff and volunteers for an hour per month. I felt the effects of these prayers almost immediately after my arrest. I thank and bless those who continue to pray for the broken in our jails. I am happy that I am now one of them.
My Story
In the early morning hours of December 11th 2007 I turned on the gas burners on my stove, without lighting them, and then went to bed next to my husband of 27 years. This was not a sudden decision, and was not done because of anger or malice.
I had had a suicide plan for myself of one sort or the other for at least 15 years. My suicide plans were a place of comfort for me. I had a very deep-seated feeling of being bad, of not being worth the air that I breathed. My plans were a place to go when I was feeling sad and ashamed.
My husband had become disabled four years previously after nearly dying from a series of diabetic strokes. Noel, my husband, had begun having more and more low blood sugar episodes. My death would mean no one being there when Noel had low blood sugar states. I thought if untreated the low blood sugar would lead to a coma and death. He had described the low blood sugar states as a series of very bad nightmares. I would not want anyone I cared for to die like that, if I had a choice. Unfortunately it occurred to me that I had a choice – I could include Noel in my suicide plan.
My “reasoning” went – well if he is going to die soon after my suicide anyway, and it would be a more painful or uncomfortable death, then taking that burden on me would be a solution. So that December morning I sent an email to a friend of Noel’s so that he would know what had happened. And I went to bed at 4 am, expecting to die. Next I knew it was 7 am, Noel was getting up, and we weren’t dead. I quickly got up and turned off the gas. I glanced out the window and saw the blue lights of police and ambulances, and knew that the email had been read and the police called.
I was arrested that morning and charged with first-degree attempted homicide. I was booked, finger printed, and transported to jail where I was placed in a segregation cell. I didn’t much care – I had planned on being dead, instead things were even worse. I was in jail; Noel was alone with no money, and no way to get anywhere since he could not drive. I had decided months earlier that God did not exist, that Jesus had never been; but here in jail I cried out, and asked for help for my husband. I prayed in my cell, knowing forgiveness impossible for me. But I prayed for my husband and friends and I kept on living through the waves of despair that threatened to overwhelm me. A fellow inmate invited me to church and reluctantly I went, taking another step back to God.
At a bible study class a month later the group leader asked, “If you were standing before God, right now, and He asked why he should let you into heaven, what would you say?” My mind spun into gear trying to think how to say, “I’m working on accepting forgiveness and how to somehow get back to God and Jesus.” But my heart and lips knew better, and instead I said, “Because Jesus bought me.” I was stunned.
I was also filled with joy for the first time in months; even I who had backslid for years; and so far as to attempt murder, once bought was still Christ’s, a child of God, and loved.
The path forward was difficult but possible with the help of God, and the MEC volunteers who came into the jail. Many of the jail staff were very supportive. One of the guards was a Christian. After I had plead guilty and was awaiting sentencing, he listened to my story, came back on his next shift and told me he had been praying for me and that God had given him a message for me. The message was that God would be with me wherever I went. At the time I was waiting to find out if I would be going to prison, or home, or some third option. And here God was sending me a message, that no matter where I went, there He would be, with me.
I was sentenced at the end of July, with my husband present and testifying to the court that he wanted me back. The judge sentenced me to 15 years in prison, stayed with 20 years probation (with one year good time served at Lino Lakes) and 100 hours of community service each year.
I was released on August 12th, was blessed with a ride by my public defender’s secretary, and reached home about 3 pm. My husband was having a low blood sugar episode at the time. I treated that and we had a chance to talk. We talked about how much his friends had helped and how much we owed them. Noel told me how nice it was to have someone to talk to again and told me a little about his struggles while I was in jail. We were anticipating watching a Twins baseball game together.
Noel got very quiet, and went back to the bathroom; I called out details of the Twins game that had started. I heard a noise from the bathroom and went to check on Noel. He appeared confused and I thought he was having another low blood sugar episode. I went to get the things needed to treat it. When I came back he had fallen, but was still conscious, I spooned some of the sugar water in and talked to him. He stopped sipping from the spoon, so I left to get a straw and a large plastic syringe. When I got back he had stopped breathing. I called 911. The ambulance, rescue, and police all arrived. They worked on Noel, but he never responded and he was pronounced dead that night.
God was there with me that night. He made it possible for me to be with my husband when he died. He prepared me by giving me the opportunity to read with other inmates a favorite devotion the night before – “We are built for eternity.” God placed a widow on my bus route home, so I could share her birthday and she could share with me ways of finding joy in life when you are the one who is left alone.
God continues to be with me providing meaningful community service work at the MEC office, and finding housing – something that is difficult for felons to obtain. He has provided new Christian friends. I have the joy of keeping in touch with several women I met in jail – we formed lasting friendships through Christ. This is something that doesn’t happen typically. He gave me His promise that I would be provided for, and He continues to do this every day. I am so thankful for my time in jail. It drew me back to God. The MEC volunteers were wonderful, bringing their care and concern into the jail.
I am so grateful to God for opening my eyes and my heart while I was in jail – God gave me my poetry and writing back again. He showed me His love is so many ways and continues to do so every day.
I can never praise or thank my Father God, Christ Jesus my lord and most holy brother, and the Holy Spirit which dwells with in me; enough.
I am also here to testify to the power of prayer. Part of the ministry of Ministry Evangelism to Corrections is intercession. Inmates submit prayer requests, which are compiled and sent to a large group of intercessors committed to pray for these requests and the jails, inmates, staff and volunteers for an hour per month. I felt the effects of these prayers almost immediately after my arrest. I thank and bless those who continue to pray for the broken in our jails. I am happy that I am now one of them.
My Story
In the early morning hours of December 11th 2007 I turned on the gas burners on my stove, without lighting them, and then went to bed next to my husband of 27 years. This was not a sudden decision, and was not done because of anger or malice.
I had had a suicide plan for myself of one sort or the other for at least 15 years. My suicide plans were a place of comfort for me. I had a very deep-seated feeling of being bad, of not being worth the air that I breathed. My plans were a place to go when I was feeling sad and ashamed.
My husband had become disabled four years previously after nearly dying from a series of diabetic strokes. Noel, my husband, had begun having more and more low blood sugar episodes. My death would mean no one being there when Noel had low blood sugar states. I thought if untreated the low blood sugar would lead to a coma and death. He had described the low blood sugar states as a series of very bad nightmares. I would not want anyone I cared for to die like that, if I had a choice. Unfortunately it occurred to me that I had a choice – I could include Noel in my suicide plan.
My “reasoning” went – well if he is going to die soon after my suicide anyway, and it would be a more painful or uncomfortable death, then taking that burden on me would be a solution. So that December morning I sent an email to a friend of Noel’s so that he would know what had happened. And I went to bed at 4 am, expecting to die. Next I knew it was 7 am, Noel was getting up, and we weren’t dead. I quickly got up and turned off the gas. I glanced out the window and saw the blue lights of police and ambulances, and knew that the email had been read and the police called.
I was arrested that morning and charged with first-degree attempted homicide. I was booked, finger printed, and transported to jail where I was placed in a segregation cell. I didn’t much care – I had planned on being dead, instead things were even worse. I was in jail; Noel was alone with no money, and no way to get anywhere since he could not drive. I had decided months earlier that God did not exist, that Jesus had never been; but here in jail I cried out, and asked for help for my husband. I prayed in my cell, knowing forgiveness impossible for me. But I prayed for my husband and friends and I kept on living through the waves of despair that threatened to overwhelm me. A fellow inmate invited me to church and reluctantly I went, taking another step back to God.
At a bible study class a month later the group leader asked, “If you were standing before God, right now, and He asked why he should let you into heaven, what would you say?” My mind spun into gear trying to think how to say, “I’m working on accepting forgiveness and how to somehow get back to God and Jesus.” But my heart and lips knew better, and instead I said, “Because Jesus bought me.” I was stunned.
I was also filled with joy for the first time in months; even I who had backslid for years; and so far as to attempt murder, once bought was still Christ’s, a child of God, and loved.
The path forward was difficult but possible with the help of God, and the MEC volunteers who came into the jail. Many of the jail staff were very supportive. One of the guards was a Christian. After I had plead guilty and was awaiting sentencing, he listened to my story, came back on his next shift and told me he had been praying for me and that God had given him a message for me. The message was that God would be with me wherever I went. At the time I was waiting to find out if I would be going to prison, or home, or some third option. And here God was sending me a message, that no matter where I went, there He would be, with me.
I was sentenced at the end of July, with my husband present and testifying to the court that he wanted me back. The judge sentenced me to 15 years in prison, stayed with 20 years probation (with one year good time served at Lino Lakes) and 100 hours of community service each year.
I was released on August 12th, was blessed with a ride by my public defender’s secretary, and reached home about 3 pm. My husband was having a low blood sugar episode at the time. I treated that and we had a chance to talk. We talked about how much his friends had helped and how much we owed them. Noel told me how nice it was to have someone to talk to again and told me a little about his struggles while I was in jail. We were anticipating watching a Twins baseball game together.
Noel got very quiet, and went back to the bathroom; I called out details of the Twins game that had started. I heard a noise from the bathroom and went to check on Noel. He appeared confused and I thought he was having another low blood sugar episode. I went to get the things needed to treat it. When I came back he had fallen, but was still conscious, I spooned some of the sugar water in and talked to him. He stopped sipping from the spoon, so I left to get a straw and a large plastic syringe. When I got back he had stopped breathing. I called 911. The ambulance, rescue, and police all arrived. They worked on Noel, but he never responded and he was pronounced dead that night.
God was there with me that night. He made it possible for me to be with my husband when he died. He prepared me by giving me the opportunity to read with other inmates a favorite devotion the night before – “We are built for eternity.” God placed a widow on my bus route home, so I could share her birthday and she could share with me ways of finding joy in life when you are the one who is left alone.
God continues to be with me providing meaningful community service work at the MEC office, and finding housing – something that is difficult for felons to obtain. He has provided new Christian friends. I have the joy of keeping in touch with several women I met in jail – we formed lasting friendships through Christ. This is something that doesn’t happen typically. He gave me His promise that I would be provided for, and He continues to do this every day. I am so thankful for my time in jail. It drew me back to God. The MEC volunteers were wonderful, bringing their care and concern into the jail.
I am so grateful to God for opening my eyes and my heart while I was in jail – God gave me my poetry and writing back again. He showed me His love is so many ways and continues to do so every day.
I can never praise or thank my Father God, Christ Jesus my lord and most holy brother, and the Holy Spirit which dwells with in me; enough.
I can never stop praising or thanking You Lord God, most high.
I say with the Psalmist;
“Every day I will bless you (Oh God) and praise your name forever and ever”. Psalm 145:2
And “Let everything that has breath praise the LORD! Praise the LORD! Psalm 150:6
I say with the Psalmist;
“Every day I will bless you (Oh God) and praise your name forever and ever”. Psalm 145:2
And “Let everything that has breath praise the LORD! Praise the LORD! Psalm 150:6
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